oh choral speaking!!! hate u!!!

oh!!! i hope i can skip this...ireally hate doing such things...i never involve in this ever...n now..i HAVE TO??!!!
its stupid, for me...
no! its not stupid..but its embarrassing..or mybe not embarrasing..but creepy enough for me...more than go some places alone...><
i hate it but im in it now,,...
 well...im okeyh with it now..i think i can do it...

BUT, when it comes to the other problem...that is...i take the role as a CONDUCTOR!!! this is real stupid...><
even i dont have to look at the audience...but looking at my choral speaking member is enough to make me freak out...
this mybe look normal for certain people...
but i CANT!!!
this isnt a game u can put me in...
i mean, its obvious that i cant do it..how could i raise my hand n drop it n raising it again n make some move with it or whatever...
oh Allah, please help me, guide me, n make me strong, give me strength.
can u imagine,  being in front of the crowd, where u r the only person, that is different from other n move ur hand backing them..??
i really cant do it...but ive been force to..><
its not that i cant speak english...its just that 'u faathimah, u be the conductor, u dont have to facing the audience..' What the heck?!
geezz...some people with their thoughts..fool others with the power in their hand...
mad at those who r already willing to do it...mad just bcoz she arguing,..or confuse or just 'no! no! no!' (but still...she has to do it...)
isnt it stupid...?
mybe for those who dont know the situation would just say 'coward lil girl' or smthing between...
but u r not in her shoes to say that...so u actually dont deserve to say anything...to condemn her...
u my thought u think abt her, but actually u didnt, u just thought abt others....><